(Narrator) 'Day 64.
'2.36pm.
'Space is in the Biodome.
'Marky and Veronica are by the pool.
'Joplin and Pippa are at the sofas.'
I mean, you know, what is TV, anyway?.
It's just a big fat arrow pointing away from the problem.
Especially shows like this.
It's like the lead in the water pipes that sent the Romans mad.
Mmm.
I thought to myself, "OK, I can ignore it,
"or I can engage with and alter it from within."
You know, and if just one person
hears me and thinks, "Wow.
"l never saw it like that. This guy's really opened my head,"
then I've justified doing it.
You know?.
Do toes have bones in them?.
'Grayson and Angel are in the diary room.'
- (Big Brother) Hello, Grayson. - Hi, Big Brother.
- Hello, Angel. How are you today?. - All right.
I'm pissed off and I'm angry,
and we need your permission to kill someone.
Who would you like to kill?.
- Who do you think?. Wonderbra. - And her spastic henchman.
All right, so show me M and V looking really pleased with themselves, OK?.
The chawier the better.
And lose "spastic", otherwise Ofcom will be shitting blood for a week.
VlDEO REWlNDlNG
- Who do you think?. Wonderbra. - And her henchman.
Good. >
(Grayson) And last night, you could hear everything.
It sounded like someone spanking a wet rat!
(Angel) And who needs to hear that?.
They even sound thick when they grunt.
OK, so mark that for their best bits.
Patrick.
- Thanks... uh, what is it?. - Kelly.
- That's the one. - They only had blueberry muffins.
- Oi, oi, oi. Fat camp! - Oh, that's lovely.
PHONE RlNGlNG I need this in 20 minutes.
If you're gonna answer that, make it quick. Chloe's looking for you.
- Yep, I'm on it. - Quick!
- Shit. Shit. - You ignoring that, are you?.
- It's Riq. - Oh, asking where you were last night?.
- I told him. - (You told him?)
- Well, texted him. - Well, what did you say?.
I crashed at yours.
OK. Glossed over a couple of details, then.
Yeah, me and Riq have been together for ages.
It's not my usual style, you know?.
You got pissed, you put your hand in the cookie jar.
You make it sound so innocent. LAUGHlNG
Yeah, but was it?.
Here you are...
I will be back later for the highlights, you jammy cow.
Hiya. That's your coffee.
- Heya. - Hey.
Listen, what happened last night was a mistake.
- Yeah, it was... - We must be really stupid
cos we kept repeating the same mistake till, what, half three?.
Yeah, thereabouts.
Yeah, cos I like to learn from my mistakes
and I don't think we fully went through
all the possible avenues for error, so...
Dick!
I'd like to go over it with you later, see if we can...
CLEARlNG THROAT
Can you take Aisleyne to the BBLB room?.
PHONE RlNGlNG
Um, that's Sophie's job.
Yeah, she's still doing friends and family.
Fine.
When you're done with that, coffee, camera run, they're gasping.
(Kelly) Sorry, it's been a bit hectic here today.
There's champagne and stuff and tea in the room. It's gonna be great.
Hey, Aisleyne.
- Hello. - Everything all right, yeah?.
Looking after you OK?.
- (Aisleyne) Who was that?. - (Kelly) Patrick, producer.
- Do you want me to fire you?. - Shit!
Um, sorry, man.
Man?. Just do your job.
There's no-one even there. Move the camera.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
ON TV:.. Volleys of gunfire. We hope to join them again for an update...
(Newsreader) 'Authorities say they cannot guarantee the safety... '
(Voicemail) Hi, this is Kelly. Not here to take your call right now,
so if you leave me a message I'll get back to you.
Bye!
'A cordon established around the immediate area
'has been expanded twice in the last hour.
'lt currently covers much of the surrounding...'
What?.
'..a perimeter, preventing anyone from entering or leaving the area.
'Eyewitnesses have fled the scene.'
TECHNO MUSlC
(Brian Belo) How you doin', fellas?.
Do you believe in reincarnation?.
Can't knock it, can you?.
I'll show you a good book that I'm reading.
Doing up my button. Thank you, sweetheart.
(Patrick) Get your fucking baps out of that chair. Now!
37 minutes to go, minions.
Do you even know what a minion is?.
No?. Don't look offended, then.
Where's Sophie?.
Anybody know where Sophie is?. Hello?.
Excuse me. Come on. Gormless! Where's Sophie?.
Uh, Sophie. Uh, she's picking up Pippa's mum.
Oh, fucking hell! She should have been here by 5.00. Get her for me.
- Sorry. - What's the latest?.
Um, numbers are way down. There are network issues or something.
- OK, so the headline is...?. - Well, Grayson is safe.
Marky is the favourite for the chop,
but there's only a pixel between him and Pippa.
Oh, God. Well, rather her than him.
Look at that. Face like a Manchester morgue.
Wish they'd nominate you, sour flaps.
BLOWlNG RASPBERRY
LAUGHTER
Is that your eviction outfit?.
Oi, Barbra. I said, is that your eviction outfit?.
My name is Grayson.
G-R-A-Y...
Y-M-C-A.
YELLlNG Oooh, Claire. Voice of God.
This is Big Brother.
Could Grayson come to the diary room?.
- Ha! - What?.!
- He started it! - Oh, "he started it"!
Oh, you're such an idiot.
ALL ARGUlNG
- You wanna drown me?. - You should come with subtitles.
LAUGHlNG
Fucking had it with this northern twat.
CHUCKLlNG
Oh, God. Talk about pleased with himself.
It's just post-shag euphoria.
You remember that.
- What are you for?. - It's Sophie.
Tell me you are round the corner.
'Sorry, Patrick.'
All the main routes were chocker.
Col's trying to work some back-road magic now.
You were supposed to be here... fucking three hours ago.
- Yes. - Stop saying yes.
'Right. Mm-hm. Yep.'
Now, you should have been here three hours ago,
'in friends and family, in hospitality,'
with that fucking moaning Scottish bird's mother.
'Fucking sick of this!'
Fucking get back here, pronto!
No.
Pick that up.
Your boss isn't upset, I hope.
It's eviction night, so he's a bit stressed.
(Woman) It's a very stressful line of work. I've often thought that.
What's that?.
SQUELCHlNG, MUNCHlNG
Right. Shit. Bye. Fuck.
(Fucking hell.)
- Claire. - Yeah?.
They might bump tonight's show.
- Why?. - Because of this shit.
One fucking estate on fire in Newcastle
and a couple of policemen killed in Liverpool.
Oh, Jesus.
Stockwell, Cardiff, Portsmouth, all bollocksed.
If this gets much worse, we are gonna be bumped for a news update.
(Claire) Brilliant.
(Patrick) Why do people riot, anyway?. It's not the '80s.
You know, they've got distractions. They should stay in, watch telly.
Just...that hat is so loud.
..What you on about?.
I'm just not feeling this no more.
Too many arguments.
No, what are you doing?. Don't put that shit in there!
BOTH ARGUlNG
Have you seen the factories where they make this stuff?.!
- No. - Yeah, well, there's rats
they can't kill because of all the preservatives in the steam.
(Pippa) You mean there's rats in there?.!
My God! I've ruined the food!
Fucking Och Aye The Noo's off again.
Gollum set her off.
That's your eviction outfit?.
What?. Yeah. What - no good?.
Mark, you look like a div.
PHONE RlNGlNG
- Is that a phone?. It's a phone. - Coo-ee, it's for you!
< We can hear ya!
- (Voicemail) This is Kelly... - Find out who it is. Jesus Christ.
- (Veronica) Hello! - (Marky) Hello. Hello, hello.
Hello!
They're not allowed to do that, are they?.
I don't think so. Hello!
Hello!
DlSTORTED CARNlVAL MUSlC
He's fucking gold dust.
Two for the price of one!
He was in Big Brother with me.
- Hello. - Bubble. We fell over a chair?.
I didn't know what your question was, cos you kinda stuttered it. "Are you..."?.
He said to me, "Oh, how do you feel about your country?"'
And I'm thinking, "I'm African."
My spirit was born in Africa but my body was born in Zimbabwe.
PHONE RlNGlNG
- Hello?. - Oh, finally.
Look, Riq, it's eviction night. It's not really a good time.
- Guess who's been mugged. - What?.
'Someone's took the van.'
Get this - a family flags me down, right?.
A mum, dad, kid,
'by the side of the road, right?.
'There's no car but I figure there's been an accident.
- 'The kid's bleeding, yeah?" - Jesus.
The mum pulls a knife. The mum.
Fuck. Are you all right?.
'Yeah, well, I pretty much nearly shat meself'
and I'm stuck somewhere on fucking Arse-End-on-Tweed
trying to get a train home.
Well, I don't know what I can do.
Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just venting, you know?. So...
I've been trying all day.
Yeah, I know. It's just been a bit mad.
Right. So you gonna crash at Claire's again tonight?.
I don't know.
- How'd this happen, Kel?. - Look, can we talk later?.
So you joined your little media cult
and now you're getting rid of your excess baggage.
Is that it, Kel?.
'ls that it, Kel?"
No, l...
I just...
PHONE BEEPlNG
Hello?.
Riq?.
Hello, hello, Queen D.
Oh, hey, Patrick.
Hey. How are you?.
Um, well, I'm a bit concerned, actually.
Really?. How so?.
Well, I heard that we might get bumped for the news.
No! No, no, no, no, no!
Promise.
Yeah, well, not unless this really is the end of the world, which...
Right.
OK, well, I'll keep my fingers crossed, then.
Yeah, and you break one of those rather lovely legs.
'All right. Bye-bye.'
- How the fuck did she know that?. - I don't know.
You never spook... You never spook the talent, alright?.
Even if there is a mushroom cloud about to go off behind them,
especially if they're about to go live, OK?.
- It is page one stuff, Claire. - I didn't tell her!
(Announcer) Davina will start talking.
When the music kicks in, that's your cue to go absolutely berserk.
Keep it going until you hear Davina talking.
All right, guys, stand by.
PHONE BEEPlNG
Hey.
- Hey. - Have you got no signal?.
- Mmm. - Yeah, no-one's got one.
- Yeah, probably the wrong type of cloud. - Huh?.
I'm gonna try in the office.
All right, well, I'll see you in a bit, right?.
CHEERlNG
(Woman) Hang on a minute, my sound has gone down again.
Where is the sound?.
(Patrick) Just move it back up. Put 4 up.
Bring 4 up, for fuck's sake.
Move that camera off her. I can't stand her fucking face. Look at him.
(Announcer) Here we go - five seconds.
Make some noise! Come on!
CHEERlNG
Anything?.
Nobody's picking up from the channel.
Fucking hell.
Sod it. No news is good news.
Right, man the lifeboats! Come on!
Grayson, Marky and Pippa - three little piggies
but who's going to be squealing all the way home tonight?.
SNORTlNG Someone's coming out!
Hey.
You OK?.
- Yeah, I'm fine. - Yeah?.
Dunno. This job...
- I thought you liked it. - I do.
I just... All I do is fetch coffees.
But dunno. The show and the crowds and everything...
It's not really real, is it?.
Do you know what I mean?.
You don't really, do you?.
(Kel...)
WHl MPERlNG
The bite's still bleeding!
- Try and stop it. - Can't we take him to the hospital?.
I'm trying to find one. I can't get any signal.
SOBBlNG
There's a doctor at the studio. We'll go there.
WAlLlNG
I'm now going to talk to the house.
CHEERlNG
Big Brother house, this is Davina.
You are live on Channel 4. Please do not swear.
Bollocks! CHUCKLlNG
- (Davina) Grayson. - Yes?.
- (Davina) Marky. - (Grayson) Wanker!
CHEERlNG
(Davina) And Pippa.
The lines are closed, the votes have been counted and verified
and I can now reveal that the next person to be evicted
from the Big Brother house is...
CROWD SHOUTlNG AND CHEERlNG
.. Pippa!
CROWD SCREAM lNG AND CHEERlNG
My make-up...
(Davina) Pippa, you'll be leaving the house in 30 minutes' time.
OK.
Can't she go now?.
Fuck it. I need some more Nicorettes.
Get...just get someone to get them.
He's not breathing.
WAlLlNG He's not breathing!
SCREAM lNG
(Claire) Kel. >
Kel.
Yep?.
(Claire) Sorry, but someone urgently requires nicotine gum.
Cool, I'm on it. Shop's still open. I can make it.
Ta. Oh, and you still owe me those mucky details.
Yeah, cheers, thanks for that.
I'll go.
Are you sure?.
- Hey. - Oh, hi.
Smells of fingering in here.
Joplin has literally worn that shirt the whole fucking time.
Imagine what that smells like.
- (Davina) Pippa?. - Yes?.
You have 30 seconds to say your goodbyes.
I'm coming to get you!
- You're gonna be fine. - It's gonna be all right.
- All gonna be fine. - Davina will look after you.
- Yeah?. - Yeah?.
- You look beautiful.
(Crowd) Get Pippa out! Get Pip...
Aw. >
Say hello to my mum for me, yeah?.
Be brave.
(Big Brother) 1 0, 9, 8, 7, 6... Go, Pippa! >
..5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Pippa, you have been evicted.
Please leave the Big Brother house.
SQUEALlNG
CROWD BOOlNG
Yeah, come off the garden. Fucking hell.
Ladies and gents, it's Pippa!
BOOlNG
- Fuck, I can hear booing. - They're going nuts!
Shh, shh.
She'll be all right. She'll be all right.
Listen, listen!
BOOS AND CHEERS
GURGLlNG
Oh, my God!
(Davina) OK, so ginger snaps for the last time
as Pippa leaves the building,
but can she stay calm?.
We'll hear her tell us what she thought about her fellow housemates.
She didn't like them.
Find out after the break.
SQUEALlNG AND CHEERlNG
(Big Brother) Big Brother house, the storeroom door is now open.
CHEERlNG Bang on! Let it be booze!
Come on!
He had a thing with me, you know?.
What?.
Yeah, when we were on I'm A Celebrity.
We screwed in a hammock.
It was nice.
MUSlC:. Big Brother Theme
And welcome to Pippa! SQUEALlNG
Oof.
I cannot imagine living next door to people like that.
GROWLlNG AND SCREAM lNG
They two had sex in the bedroom.
CHUCKLlNG
SCREAM lNG
ROARlNG
- Joplin. Joplin. - God, he is so boring.
- But that's so mean. - But he's forty.
He's had his life.
(Claire) Oh, my God. Is that actually what Channel 4's putting out?.
- Yeah, why?. - That.
Oh, get to fuck.
Hello.
Is it love?. Is it love?. Is it?. Is it?.
No, he's just my friend.
CROWD GROANlNG
LAUGHlNG >
We've just lost everything on the fucking screens.
(Patrick) We've lost everything on the screens!
MUSlC:. Grace Kelly by Mika
Watch me vodka. Don't! Fuck off!
It's annoying!
Don't!
SCREAM lNG, GROWLlNG
I'll give 50 quid to the first person who gets me an outside line.
- For fuck's sake. - There's no mobiles working.
SNARLlNG AND GROWLlNG
SHOUTlNG
SCREAM lNG
If he separates... > SCREAM lNG lN EARPlECE
Sorry. Hello?.
- Is my mum in here?. Is my mum here?. - Hello?.
SNARLlNG
SCREAMlNG
What's going on up...
SNARLlNG
SQUELCHlNG
SNARLlNG AND YOWLlNG
MUFFLED SCREAMlNG They're going batshit out there.
Yeah, that's the public for you, isn't it?.
They're animals.
I could be brown, I could be blue, I could be violet sky
I could be hurtful, I could be purple, I could be anything you like
Gotta be green, gotta be mean, gotta be everything more
Why don 't you like me?. Why don 't you like me?.
Why don 't you...
SCREAM I NG
Fuck! Fucking get out of the way!
SCREAM I NG, SNARLl NG
M USlC PLAYlNG, GLASS SHATTERlNG, SCREAM lNG
Humphrey, we're leaving K'ching!
What's your boyfriend's name again?. >
Your real one, that is.
What is your fucking problem?.
Danny?.
< Oh, Romeo's back, is he?.
RASPY BREATHlNG
What happened?.
Stop it! SCREAM lNG
Danny, no! WET CRUNCHlNG
Stop it!
Stop it! Stop it!
RASPY BREATHlNG Oh!
BANGlNG ON DOOR
WHlMPERlNG
Go away!
BEEPlNG Fuck!
CONTlNUOUS BANGlNG
Fuck off!
You fucking cunt! Fuck off!
WHlMPERlNG
Help me!
(Sobbing) Help.
Fuck!
SOBBlNG
The head of the emergency services has claimed
those responsible for the violence engulfing the nation
are not technically alive.
Eyewitnesses describe dead or injured people
apparently attacking one another en masse.
Police advice is to seek shelter immediately,
barricade doors and wind...
SOBBlNG
Oh, please! Please!
Please!
THUNDER RUMBLlNG
BANGlNG ON DOOR RESUMES
YELLlNG AND ROARlNG
(Sobbing) Please, go away.
BANGlNG AND ROARlNG
- All right?. - Mmm.
No alarm this morning.
Mmm.
Bit weird, innit?.
RASPY BREATHlNG
BEEPlNG
SLURPlNG
GROWLlNG
SHOUTlNG
Aargh!
No!
SOBBlNG
Hi.
- All right, cheeks?. - Don't!
Get off!
I'm gonna make some eggs. You want some?.
There aren't any.
Grayson had a fried-egg sandwich last night.
For fuck's sake! Right.
- Oh, come on. - Oh, Marky, don't...
What the fuck?.
- That's for the eggs. - What do you mean, eggs?.
You having the last of the eggs!
DlSTANT YELLlNG Fuck this. I'm out.
Oh, for God's sake!
(Veronica) Marky, just drop it. Drop it!
(Grayson) Stop showing off for your girlfriend.
(Grayson) You are so cunt-struck, I'm surprised you're not...
(Veronica) You're disgusting!
What's Grayson done?.
Eaten an egg.
ROARlNG SCREAM lNG
ROARlNG
BANGlNG ON DOOR
Aargh! SNARLlNG
GROWLlNG
(Space) Hello?.
MUFFLED ARGUlNG
What skanky bloodclart chief
Ieft their cigarette butt in this mothertucking cup?.
Huh, yeah.
- How long have you been awake?. - 'Bout half an hour.
You haven't had your mike on all that time?.
Thanks, Big Brother! Why didn't you say something?.
Just leave it.
(Grayson) Big Brother's gonna give you a red card for that.
Will you just calm down?.! For fuck's sake, Mark!
(Veronica) What you doing?.
YELLlNG
- (Space) Something is wrong! - What?.
No mikes, no alarms...
..and the cameras ain't moving.
Big Brother ain't watching us.
(Shit.)
Shit.
YELLlNG
Aargh! Aargh!
Aargh!
YELLlNG AND ROARlNG
SOBBlNG
(Veronica) This ain't right. No cameras, no fucking point.
- (Marky) They might be broken. - (Joplin) All of them?.
- Could be electrics. - They're doing it on purpose.
- Yeah, like a task. - Where the cameras don't move?.
Like that's gonna be entertaining.
(Joplin) They want to see how we react to a sudden absence of authority.
Well, it's freaking me right out.
That's what they want. Don't give it to them.
- We're not freaked out! - I am!
MUFFLED ARGUlNG
(Veronica) Give me the answer. Tell me what's going on.
(Angel) Big Brother, man, what the fuck...?.
(Veronica) Look, we've been really good, playing games.
We just wanna know what's going on.
(Veronica) Hello?.
(Angel) If the cameras don't start moving any minute, I'm walking.
Remember I told you...
- I'm going on the roof. - We're not allowed there!
Exactly! If they don't stop me, we'll know something's definitely wrong.
MUFFLED TALKlNG
SCREAM lNG
(Grayson) They'll throw you out!
Just leave him! Let 'em throw him out!
(Angel) You know what?. Fuck 'em.
- (Grayson) Oh, my God! - (Veronica) Look!
(Veronica) That's what it is! They've given us a new housemate!
CHEERlNG AND APPLAUSE
Oh, fucking hell. Unbelievable!
See, I told you!
(Veronica) Course it is! Look at her!
- She's a bit strange. - What's your name, then?.
- (Marky) Uh... - (Angel) Coo-ee! Hello!
LAUGHlNG
What's she doing?.
Hello?.
Fine. Whatever.
- Are you a mong?. - Shh! She might be.
(Angel) Is that fake blood on her?.
(Grayson) Don't listen to them. They're idiots, sweetheart.
- I wouldn't bother, Gray. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
(Marky) Let Joppers in. Come on, Jops.
Um, 'hello'.
My 'name' is Joplin.
SNlGGERlNG
And I'm 'happy' to 'meet you'.
- There's one in there. - One what?.
(Grayson) Have you been outside all this time?.
Can I ask you a question?.
- How am I coming across?. - (Marky) Oh, you big queen.
- Am I popular?. - Yeah, you're the favourite.
Ha! No autographs for you. Hear that?. I'm the favourite!
- This is such a put-on this! - Is that fake blood?.
Shut up.
You must try harder. LAUGHlNG
- I said shut up! - (Grayson) All right.
She's mental. Look at her. Her mechanism's gone.
(Angel) It's just attention-seeking. Ignore her, she'll stop.
GROWLlNG Fuck.
Jesus. Fuck!
GROWLlNG
Fuck.
(Marky) Did they give you specific instructions,
or just tell you to come in and act weird?.
- I'm not acting. I work here. - What, as a window-cleaner?.
Something's happening. Some sort of outbreak.
- Oh, here we go. - Just let her talk.
OK. Go on.
- People get this thing. - Thing?.
They wanna kill you, and they change.
And then their bums fall off. LAUGHlNG
- What do you mean, they change?. - I dunno. They're dead.
- Dead?. - Sorry, what did you say?.
They're dead.
They're dead, and they're still alive.
They're everywhere.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
- There's one in here. - This is quality, this is.
Hammer House of horseshit.
You're brilliant, you.
Come on, now. That's enough.
GROWLlNG AND SNlFFlNG
LOW GROWLlNG
Oh, dear.
GROWLlNG
SCREAMlNG Oh, fuck!
Not you! Fuck, not you!
SCREAMlNG Fuck, shut up!
Shut up! ROARlNG
Is that Davina?.
Sort of.
Get off my fucking suit.
(Joplin) Dear Big Brother, may I say how impressed I was
at your inclusion of a clearly mentally unhinged woman
into the house?.
Maybe something has happened.
(Veronica) I just wanna know, is that fake blood?. I just wanna know.
(Joplin) Even if she's not mentally ill, this is in very poor taste.
(Marky) You seriously think there's a bunch of dead biffers
strolling about, eating people?.
They're coming to get you, Barbara. (Manic laughing)
Well, I just want it noted that I do not approve of this.
Shut up! Shut up, you fucking idiots!
You fucking idiots! I'm trying to tell you there's one in there!
INDlSTlNCT YELLlNG
YELLlNG Calm down. Just calm down.
KNOCKlNG (Marky) Oi, mate! Mate!
You're live on Channel 4! Don't swear or say "fuck" or nothing!
Maybe he's deaf and dead.
Hello?. Hello?.
No, can't hear anything.
Don't do that. (Marky) There's nothing here.
(Veronica) Marky, get away from that. It's the fire exit.
Don't open that door.
What, this door?.
- Open that door and I'll stab you. - What?.
Marky, don't wind her up. Seriously, she's fucking weird.
Shut the door! (Angel) Shut the door!
Shut the fucking door!
- Close it! Fucking close the door! - Marky, close it.
You fucking well better close the fucking door!
All right! Fucking hell!
What you gonna do with them?.
Sorry. I'm just having a look.
SCREAM lNG
In the head.
You've got to get them in the head.